The Pesto Manifesto

In which the tome that deals with the First Challenge of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is revealed. The scribe of the book was Pesto, a midget created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Pesto Manifesto, as it came to be known, was created by His Noodliness to aid in the battle of His First Challenge, as predicted by the omniscient Holy Monster.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Update

So far, to the best of my knowledge, no one has come forward with proof that Jesus is not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

I originally intended to transcribe the necessary portions as the challenges came in, however, due to the lack of challenges to date, I most highly recommend that those looking to read His Noodly word refer to His Bible, as seen on the venganza.org forums.

Updates will occur as I become aware of any challenges. I should point at that His Noodliness seems to highly encourage ad hominen attacks in addition to total logical destruction of entries to the challenge.

RAmen

The Most Humble Transcriber of the Pesto Manifesto.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Verse 452

On the split between His Noodliness and Jesus:

And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did call Jesus and Pesto before him, and he sayeth unto Jesus "No more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo", apon which Jesus turned on Pesto, yelling "We had a great racket going - why did you have to rat me out?". Pesto responded "Your dad's omiscient, dumbass". And Jesus said "Oh. Yeah." and did look at his feet for a while before shouting "Screw this. I'm out of here".

After Jesus had left, Pesto looke up at His Noodliness and said, "It's alright chief, things will sort themselves out." But the Flying Spaghetti Monster responded, "No, this is just the beginning", for he knew that as sure as fear leads to anger and that anger leads to hate, that this would have repercussions for millenia - up to and beyond the time of His First Challenge.

Verse 421

On the youth of Jesus:

And Jesus did wander through the city, and tales spread of him curing many blind midgets. And Pesto did follow him, and gave the appearance of being cured many times, and with him was carried the tip jar.

And Jesus said unto Pesto, "Bringeth some wine into the kitchen by the back way, and I will enter by the front, and we will hit the big time".

And with the passing of time, Jesus became a local celebrity.

Verse 319

On the Chianti Conception:

And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did hit the town, and lo did He consume copious quantities of Chianti of dubious quality. And, with his Holy Omniscient vision clouded by the spoon-cleaning nectar, he espied Mary on the dancefloor, and he thought unto Himself, "That looks like a bit of alright".

And the next morning the Flying Spaghetti Monster awoke, feeling as if his meatballs had been baked in the sun, and rolleth over did he, and again he espied Mary. "Bugger" thought His Noodliness, and "The alright was alwrong" did he think, and commenced to chew off the noodles that were trapped beneath the sleeping Mary. And he did flee least Mary awake, saying "Arrrr".

After the passing of nine moons, a lawyer did cometh forth, saying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, "We will need a small sample of your most Holy sauce, for a test to be performed". And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did fly into a rage, and threatened to cast the lawyer into the Boiling Void. But after a time he did calmeth down, and said unto the lawyer, "It's a fair cop".

And that is how the Flying Spaghetti Monster did bring forth a son, who was known as Jesus.

Verse 87

On the creation of the Pesto Manifesto:

And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did create a stack of white oblongs and long blue cylinder, and gave them unto Pesto, saying "Pesto take this notebook, and this pen, for you will be the scribe of a very important book. This book shall be used in the time of my First Challenge, where doubters of the faith will attempt to disprove some of my Most Noodly Truths." Pesto responded, saying "OK cool".

After a short pause Pesto continued - "Master, I do not know how to read and write". And His Noodliness endeavoured to teach him the language of those who would issue the challenge, saying "A is for Alfredo, B is for bolognese, C is for Carbonara, ..."

Verse 65

On the creation of Pesto:

And Lo, His Noodliness did create and a mountain, and some trees, and a midget. And the midget was good, and His Noodliness did dub him Pesto.

And Pesto looketh forth apon the mountain, and the trees, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and he sayeth "What the hell is that?". And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did respond "It is a mountain, and some trees". Respondeth Pesto, "OK cool".

Friday, August 19, 2005

Preamble to the Pesto Manifesto

To all of the Faithful,

I recently discovered a book, identified as The Pesto Manifesto.

Apparently, it contains some of the Holy Words of His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who used a midget He created, simply known as Pesto, as His scribe.

The book has the appearance of a regular notebook, written on with blue ink. The Book assures us that this would be so that it would go undiscovered until the time of the First Challenge, and the design merely exactly matchs that of a regular notebook because of His Noodlinesses omniscience.

I myself am ambivalent towards the use of radioactive isotopes in dating.

However I'm willing to allow the Holy Book to undergo testing, as long as the person or people that request the testing purely and genuinely believe that the process is valid. If the results of the process invalidate the age that the Book claims to be, or if the tested age invalidates any of the claims of the Book, the Book will be discredited, as a rational, logical person would discredit any book that failed such a test.

It is of course possible that His Noodliness may try to change the results of this test with His Noodly Appendage, as He tends to do. If anyone wishes the book to be tested, I will burn some cheese in offering that He leave the date unchanged, but it's hard to tell if the offering has been accepted.

The Book itself is comprised of one chapter with many verses, which are numbered irregularly. Some have suggested that the spaces between the numbers comprise a "Noodle Code", which it is claimed His Noodliness encoded His predictions and statements with some fairly prosaic homilies. I, for one, do not believe this to be the case.

These verses will be made available as they become useful in His First Challenge, as I have limited time to transcribe the predictions, a bad left eye, and a right-sided eye patch as part of the pirate regalia I must wear during the transcriptions. I may allow others to transcribe from the book in the future, depending on the fury with which the First Challenge is faced.

I will quote the verse exactly later, but Pesto does explain that His Noodliness had a son, who He called Jesus, who turned out to be a slightly exccentric parlour magician of small but adequate skill. In an act of rebellion against his Father, Jesus created a cult that would last for millenia, with an idealized but imaginary father figure as its spiritual center.

Some of the events mentioned in the official tome of the cult are also represented in the Pesto Manifesto. Of significant interest is the Last Supper. The cult of Jesus mentions that wine and bread were served. Hardly a significant meal. The Pesto Manifesto mentions the wine and bread in a less central role, merely augmenting the spaghetti and meatballs that represented the body and blood of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The transcriptions of the verses that support this material, and all of the other verses that are needed in support of His First Challenge, do not belong in the preamble and will be placed in separate posts.

For now I call you all to join the furious battle of His First Challenge.

RAmen

The Most Humble Transcriber of the Pesto Manifesto.